Push Away People Even Before They Are Close.....

Hi all,

It has been six months since my last post. I thought I want to regularly update the previous series, but due to time constraints, it's hardly to keep update.

However,  this post will not in the series of previous post. I just want to write regarding one the issue that has been part of my life for so many years.

People use to say that I am anti-social, I don't like to mingle with people. In fact, I felt awkward to be in group of people when I was in university/school.

The term is not correct term to describe who I am. But I am rather not allowed other people to know me, my background and my family. In order words, I don't want to be too close to anyone for simple reason I don't people know me in detail - knowing that if they know me (my family, my background), I will feel embarrassed and low self esteem. This is simple to secure myself in term of credibility and I am afraid that if they know me, they might think how bad I am (that what I think about others think about me - bad kan???).

Secondly because of the past experiences, It hardly for me to trust people. I have experienced to be left alone by few people after be closed to me - after I had explained my feeling about my life, the hardship that I went through and the past experiences that haunted until today. They become my regular place to express my feeling. However, sooner they left me. I can't blame them. Maybe they feel annoyed of me - always nagging and complaint about my life. Thus, I am the one who have to change myself.

This attitude that has been part of me since teenage is known as "self defense mechanism". I push people away from me even before they close to me in order for me to safe and secure my feeling and avoid my heart getting hurt later.

From different side, this attitude is not good for myself improvement. Without someone who close to you and know your details, characters, attitude etc. how I can get an advises. As human, we need advises from other people and what better advise from someone who know us closely (other than family) - thus, he or she can give sincere advises for our better life.

Up to know, I am still figure it out, what I am suppose to do. To find someone that I can trust is difficult. Not having someone who close to me also make my life difficult, because I don't have someone who I can ask an opinion regarding some of the decision that I wanna make.

Of course, I am not anti-social. Somehow I used to talk to stranger whenever I go. The talk goes on various topics work, family, child etc.

Thanks.

Relaxslah
06.11 pm, 21 October 2017